… when it is for blogging. I was thinking last night about how I now have to remember things that once upon a time were so painful I would have to lay in a dark room closed off to the world and wonder how I was going to make it. Then closing my eyes would see my mind rerun the pictures of the event from the discovering of the baby, to waiting for the ambulance, right through to wondering if it was really happening…. My gosh, I really didn’t think I was going to make it.
And now …… I am sharing my story with all who want to read it. I am putting my soul out there for all to see that when it is soothed you only gain courage and the strength to realise that we do get through our darkest times.
I never did mourn or really grieve my loss and I think that had a detrimental effect on me as the years rolled by. I thought I had to be strong and carry on. I had to work and I had a family to take care of. My first son was still very young and he needed me. There was an issue however. You see his brother died of cot death on his birthday so you can imagine my dilema. His birthday felt like a time I wanted to avoid. I didn’t know whether to grieve or celebrate. Of course now I know that I should have celebrated life – my first son’s life and be thankful for the short time I enjoyed with my second son, his life……
We never think of it like that do we? Do you? I was selfish! All I could think about was why God? Why did he leave me? If only I went to bed early ….. if only …..! I could not for a very long time – many many years in fact – find the rationale for such an experience and I really did try. And when I couldn’t find or understand why I decided to try alcohol. Now that was a very bad idea and one which to this day 20 years later I am still battling with.
Now that I remember all that has happened to get me to this point ….. I now realise that there is no rationale for the many things that take place in our lives. I now realise that there is no loss just transformation. I now realise there are some things or experiences that you cannot use the mind to process because it doesn’t matter what the mind has to say – you have to stay in your heart for the answer. It is what it is, just as the leaf blows in the wind. It doesn’t say wind you are too strong and I don’t want to leave the tree but lets go and skips along to wherever it is taken. But I was possessive and selfish with my attachments whether to people or things and attached to how I defined them and their loyality to me. I didn’t remember to appreciate the short time I had and give thanks and honoured his visit through these years. It has taken me all these years to get to that point and am now more accepting …. and I feel soothed